lunes, 24 de julio de 2006

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Durante meses me han venido invitando a las reuniones del Clan Alimenti, y siempre me he negado a asistir. Un amigo mío, Esteban, me dio el mail de esta asociación que, según decía, se reúne todos los viernes a la noche para cenar opulentas y extravagantes comidas, beber vinos y champagnes imposibles de conseguir en Argentina, y jugar a novedosos y sofisticados juegos de mesa. Con total ingenuidad, me contacté con ellos después de llenar un formulario virtual, y me mandaron un correo con la dirección, los días y horarios de reunión, las actividades y el pago de la cuota (anual). Me pareció demasiado caro, así que no volví a responderles el correo.
Pero, como ocurre con toda actividad en la red, ellos siguieron insistiendo mandándome mails semanales. Uno de ellos me llamó mucho la atención, así que reproduzco literalmente parte de su contenido:

Señor Mux, nos alegramos de que ya esté hastiado de su vida. Desde hace tres meses, en nuestras reuniones hablamos de usted como si fuera un miembro de nuestro clan. Sólo le falta tomar la decisión y acercarse.

El mensaje me pareció oscuramente imperativo, y por un momento temí que se tratara de una secta. Sin embargo, a los dos o tres días me llegó un sobre firmado por el señor Alberto Alimenti, presidente del Clan, quien en términos llanos me hablaba de su comunidad lúdico – sófica y me invitaba a una reunión de prueba, sin pagar la cuota. De hecho, junto con ese sobre, me mandaba una membresía plastificada, firmada por él mismo, válida para una sola reunión.

Cuando me encontré con Esteban (el amigo que me había dado la dirección de este clan), le comenté los resultados de mi mail, y él me dijo, asombrado, que a pesar de que él mismo había enviado sus datos, nunca lo habían llamado. Conmigo estaban insistiendo demasiado.

Uno de esos viernes de enero, en los cuales hace demasiado calor, las actividades importantes se pueden postergar y los amigos y parientes están de vacaciones, decidí ir a la reunión del Clan. Era en un pueblito cercano llamado Grunbein, en el cual hay unas pocas casitas y, curiosa e incongruentemente, cuatro enormes mansiones coloniales con forma de castillo. La reunión se hacía en uno de esos castillos y, por lo que supe más tarde, todas las semanas se hacía en un castillo diferente.

Eran las siete y media de la tarde, hacía calor y todavía faltaba mucho para el anochecer. El castillo estaba rodeado por una inmensa verja negra. Toqué el portero y una voz me preguntó el nombre y el apellido. Cuando lo dije, se escuchó la vibración de la puerta. Empujé y entré. Sobre el porche me estaba esperando una persona vestida de traje, con camisa blanca y moño, quien con una sonrisa me pidió la membresía. Se la entregué. A cambio, me ofreció una copa de un champagne helado y exquisito. Me invitó a entrar y sentarme.

El castillo, por dentro, era una casa antigua de dos plantas, pintada con tonalidades verde oscuro y sepia, y adornada con antigüedades y cuadros del siglo diecinueve. Había sillones por todas partes (incluso en los pasillos).“Pase al salón principal, señor Mux”, me dijo con voz firme el hombre de traje.

En el salón principal había una mesa enorme y la iluminación mortecina del atardecer era reforzada por las treinta lamparitas de una gigantesca araña de cobre. Alrededor de la mesa había quince o veinte personas. El aire acondicionado hacía muy agradable el ambiente y, para mi aun más grata sorpresa, ninguno de los presentes fumaba.“Bienvenido, señor Mux, nos alegramos de verlo”, me dijo uno de los hombres, vestido de manera informal pero elegante, que estaba ocupando una de las cabeceras. Era el señor Alimenti.
De inmediato, Alimenti me presentó a todos los que lo acompañaban. Previo a eso, hizo una presentación exaltada de mí y de mis virtudes como docente, como escritor y como disc jockey. Aunque exageraba mucho, me sorprendió que tuviera un conocimiento tan completo de mis trabajos.

Después de las presentaciones, me mostró lo que hacían. En ese preciso instante jugaban a algo que ellos llamaban “golf de mesa”. No fue muy claro para mostrarme las reglas y yo estaba bastante distraído mirando los rostros de los presentes como para escucharlo. Sólo puedo decir que en nada se parecía al golf y que se jugaba con naipes y figuras sobre un papel en el cual iban modificando datos con lápices de colores. A cada rato pasaban los mozos con bandejas de canapés y copas con bebidas. “Jorge, servite lo que quieras o pedí, que estamos para servirte”

Yo me quedé cerca del señor Alimenti, viendo el desarrollo del juego y sirviéndome exquisitas confituras saladas que tenían mucho caviar y roquefort. Un hombre, anciano, que estaba a mi lado me contaba que él había sido empresario de la construcción y tuvo que dejar el trabajo por una enfermedad. En algún momento se decidió que una señora (de más de sesenta años y con un colgante que tenía una cruz enorme) había ganado y todos, después de un aplauso, dejaron de jugar. “La cena está servida”, anunció uno de los mozos.

La cena era en un salón cuya disposición de muebles y decorado lo convertían en idéntico a la sala de juegos. Todos me trataban con una suavidad y gentileza especiales, como si yo fuera una eminencia. Esto, en lugar de envanecerme, me hacía sentir muy incómodo. Los platos eran de una porcelana fina, con dibujos chinos en azul (cada plato, supe después, tenía un dibujo diferente) y los cubiertos de metal (quizás plata) tenían talladuras y molduras muy complejas. Como cena, trajeron una enorme bandeja con pavo y papines andinos, regado con una salsa de naranja, limón y menta. El champagne seguía siendo la bebida oficial.

Durante la cena conversamos sobre política, filosofía, literatura y juegos. Les expuse algunas de mis hipótesis sobre cada uno de esos puntos y ellos acogieron mis opiniones con sumo interés. Después del pavo trajeron helado casero con crema chantilly y salsa caliente de moras. Una vez que terminamos con el postre, nos invitaron a la sala de juegos.

Ya eran las once de la noche. Alimenti me explicó las reglas del juego que estaban por jugar.
En la mesa había espejos y pequeños dispositivos que emitían un láser parecido al de los llaveros. “El juego consiste en ordenar los espejos de manera tal que el láser pegue en el Rey. Es un ajedrez con láser y espejos. El rey es ese de allá” – me señalaba una pieza opaca que estaba en el borde de la mesa. “Cada equipo tiene que ordenar los espejos de manera que el láser le pegue al rey enemigo. No vale apuntar al rey directamente; el láser tiene que pasar por todos los espejos”.
Estuvimos jugando hasta las cuatro de la mañana, elaborando complicadas operaciones para calcular la trayectoria del láser rebotando a través de los espejos. Nuestro equipo ganó y, con ello, me gané una membresía para el viernes siguiente.

Cuando me fui de allí, a eso de las cuatro y media, el señor Alimenti me dijo “espero que vuelvas, ha sido un placer que compartas esta reunión con nosotros”. Uno de ellos me llevó a mi casa en un auto negro impecable y antiguo. Yo estaba sumamente feliz.

Durante la semana siguiente le conté mi experiencia a Esteban. Pero, como suelen hacer los buenos amigos, destruyó toda mi alegría a partir de una revelación inquietante.
“Cuidado con estos tipos”, me dijo. “El Clan Alimenti es una subsede de la agrupación internacional contra el cáncer”. Le pregunté qué tenía que ver el cáncer con estas reuniones. “Todos los que estaban ahí tienen una enfermedad de diagnóstico impreciso. Ellos dicen que es un tipo especial de cáncer, pero en realidad no se sabe. Han formado un clan místico para luchar contra su enfermedad. Piensan que es un cáncer inmaterial inducido por brujería o por fuerzas cósmicas negativas”
Aunque todavía no le creía, continué preguntando. “¿Por qué me invitaron a mí? ¿Yo también tengo cáncer?”
La respuesta que me dio, a continuación, la voy a reproducir lo más fielmente que pueda porque a mí todavía me parece increíble.
“Vos no tenés nada. Lo que pasa es que ellos, basándose en una teoría mística que involucra energías mentales y campos magnéticos paralelos, creen que hay personas cuya sola presencia sirve para contrarrestar la enfermedad. Han hecho algunos cálculos curiosos y, sobre la base de datos de tu primera respuesta por mail, dedujeron que vos eras quien ellos estaban esperando. Vos eras el invitado de lujo, por ese motivo”. Y continuó. “Pero no todos están de acuerdo con eso; algunos dicen que para curarse hay que comerse al invitado de lujo”.



109 comentarios:

Karmelo Restelli dijo...

Señor Mux, si a usted le gusta jugar cuente conmigo, pero aléjese de los Alimenti, no es que estén enfermos, están muertos y no es conveniente frecuentarlos.

Lucas J. dijo...

Majestuoso, Sr. Mux. Espero con ansias la proxima produccion.
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Claro que no me molesta. Espero su mail. Saludos.

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Pd: tenga cuidado con Alimenti :P

beso!!

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